On September 9th, 2014, Comedy Central’s show @midnight, known for its interactive “hashtag wars” on Twitter, asked for #NewStateMottos.
Never one to shy away from a challenge, and because I drink a pot of coffee a day, stay up all night, and have that kind of time, I wrote one for every single state in the union. Here they are in no particular order:
Pennsylvania: Wanna Start a Bar Fight? Yell, “[So-and-so] Makes the Best Philly Cheesesteak!”
Maine: Nothing Bad Ever Happens Here, Just Ask Stephen King
New Hampshire: Live Free or Die Trying to Get the Fuck Out of New Hampshire
Massachusetts: You Can Take the Irish Out of Ireland, But Only if You Promise to Put Them in an Irish Bar
Rhode Island? Where We’re Going We Don’t Need Rhode Island
New York: Give Us Your Tired, Poor, Huddled Masses Longing to Be Free, So Long as They Aren’t More Mexicans
Connecticut: You’re Almost to New York!
New Jersey: Born in the USA, But Only Because We Missed the Abortion Cut-Off Date
Delaware: Delawe’re Just Happy to Be Here!
Maryland: Like Disneyland if Every Single Ride at Disneyland Was Broken
Virginia: For the Lovers-slash-Second-Cousins
North Carolina: Tennessee in Reverse
South Carolina: For Honeymoons on a Budget
Ohio: Cleveland’s Kinda Like Our Austin. No? You Sure?? Fuck …
Hawaii: Don’t Mind Us. Just Inching Our Way Towards Australia.
Alaska: The Last Frontier and Nearly Extinct, Thanks to Your Trigger-Happy, Would-Be Vice President
Vermont: White? Rich? Welcome to Vermont!
Georgia: Where the Cops Are Just Peachy!
Florida: Where the Drivers Are So Bad Because They’re From Everywhere Else
(and … yeah, FL gets two ’cause I’m from here)
Florida: Our Crazies Can Outcrazy Your Crazies
Michigan: Robocop Will Save Us
Wisconsin: Pairing Shitty Beer with Cheese Since 1895
Illinois: Come for Chicago, Stay Because You Died in Chicago
Kentucky: I Don’t Know About “Orange,” But Something Rhymes with “Yucky”
Tennessee: Where the Country Music of Today Meets the Horrible Rap of Yesterday and They Fuck Each Other, and Us
Alabama: Can You Believe There’s a NASA Space Center Here?!
Mississippi: So Many S’s, So Few Reasons to Vissitt
Louisiana: Mother Nature’s Punching Bag
Arkansas: On a Scale of 1 to 10, We’re an Eleventeen!
Missouri: And We Were Doing So Well to Avoid National News …
Iowa: Native American for “Drive Straight Through”
Minnesota: You Can’t Say Shit About Us. Have You Heard Us Speak? We’re Adorable. Like Gnomes. Want Some Pie?
Oklahoma: All the Conservative Logic of Texas in Half the Size
South Dakota: ‘Cause One Dakota Simply Isn’t Enough
Kansas: All We Are Really IS Just Dust in the Wind
Nebraska: Putting the “Ass” in the Middle of Other Letters (and States)
New Mexico: Falsely Accused of Being “Better Than Old Mexico”
Colorado: The Cheese in the Mouse Trap for Aspiring Felons from Kansas
Arizona: Where a Man with a Car with a Deep Trunk Can Make a Pretty Honest Living
Utah: Ignore the Boring, Try Polygamy!
Wyoming: Where Neighbors Still Settle Land Disputes with Duels
Montana: Where Backwoods Militias Rub Elbows with the Stars
Idaho: A Potato Gun Aimed at Canada
Nevada: With Just a Roll of the Dice, Grandmas Can Become Hookers, and Vice Versa
Texas: Rick Perry’s Cuba
California: The Red Hot Chili Peppers Wrote Our State Song. At gunpoint.
Washington: Come for the Tech Jobs, Stay to Play “Homeless or in-a-Grunge-Band?”
Oregon: So Hip, We Were a State Before There Was Even a United States
West Virginia: Same Great Taste, Less East
North Dakota: South Dakota’s Human Shield Between It and Canada